


What X Love X Is

by goddity



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, his favorite coping mechanism is gon, killua deals with the realization that his family is terrible, killua learns to cope, wow look out we're going to feels town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-06 14:32:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6757942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddity/pseuds/goddity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After finally reaching the 100s, Killua is forced to confront feelings he didn't know had descriptors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

> howdy y'all, this is my first hxh fic and tbh it's been a while since i watched the show so i have no idea how well this fits into the timeline, but stick around for chapter two where two preteen boys bump uglies

"You're so strong, Killua." Gon said as he pressed a hand to his friend's chest. It had felt like years since he'd left Whale Island, so long since they'd taken the Hunter Exam, and it'd only been a few months. Now they sat comfortably in Heaven's Arena. 

The room wasn't exceptionally luxurious, but comfortable enough that it was easy to see why people fought to stay in the 100s and have a place to live. In truth both boys were thankful to have proper beds after all the travelling, even though it hadn't been that long. Gon was inclined to wander around despite Killua's warnings that it was dangerous regardless of how safe he felt. They were the most free of dangers when the doors were locked and they weren't on the roster. But Gon felt his safest when he was with Killua. 

"You can't just _say_ that, Gon!" Killua twisted, forcing Gon's hand off of his chest. A smile played on Gon's lips, knowing Killua's aggression wasn't far from his affection. Gon had become very familiar with Killua's overprotective behavior. He honestly welcomed it, being away from home for the first time. It was nice to know that someone was looking after him, even when they said things like: "You can't just... say things like that."

"Say things like what?" Gon crossed his legs, leaning to his left to better meet Killua's angle. It was childish but endearing. "You're strong, Killua!" 

"People will _say_ things, Gon." He insisted.

Killua turned his head away from the naive hunter. Assassins didn't get involved. He couldn't get too attached, it'd be so easy for someone to try to take Gon away from him. It would have been easy, too. Killua had made Gon into a target. Gon had gone through the gates for him, he'd failed the Hunter Exam because of Gon (not that Killua blamed him) and anyone who took a moment to look into Killua's history for a sign of weakness would find an autographed picture of Gon Freecs. By just being around him, Killua was putting Gon in danger. They didn't even have the advantage of knowing much about Nen yet... And the Arena was still dangerous, regardless of how easily they'd climbed into the 100s. Being children didn't spare them any mercy and Gon... Gon was important. 

"I don't care if people say things." Gon said matter-of-factly, as oblivious to the dangers of gossip as he was most other things. "People will say things until they see you fight and then-"

"Gon, that's not what I'm talking about." Killua blurted. HE couldn't be _that_ oblivious, could he? He groaned, hands taking root in his hair. Gon had been smart enough to pass the Hunter Exam, had done so while making friends and surprising almost everyone there with his strength and fast thinking, and he was _foolish_ enough to think this conversation was about modesty?

"...oh." Gon sat back. His friend looked up, angered, disgusted, but completely enthralled by the innocent curiosity in those perfect brown eyes. Those dark eyes almost reminded him of his family, but the soft sepia pigments were human... and animal, but innocent, _and_ deadly, and Killua was never able to pull himself away when he found himself staring Gon in the eyes. Gon's smile was so gentle, so tender and genuine when he looked at Killua. He almost always smiled like that when he looked at Killua.

Killua hated knowing that.

"So it's about something else." Gon sighed, tilting his head to one side. Killua couldn't stand that soft quizzical tone in Gon's voice. He'd heard it so many times before, knew that Gon was just genuinely curious about so many things, so eager to learn..

"Of course it's about something else, you idiot!" Killua didn't know how it had happened but he was standing. Gon's innocence was charming in most other situations but in times like these, he wished that Gon would look past the surface. 

Gon whined softly. "So what's it about then? You're strong, you are! You don't have to be self conscious, Killua. No one in the 100s thinks we're weak, and if they do-"

"Gon!" All of a sudden the words caught in his throat. 

Gon just... sat there. Gon sat there, legs crossed, head tilted, brows furrowed in a mixture of confusion and determination. He _was_ right, Killua was strong. If he was _so_ strong, why was he struggling to talk to Gon about this? Why was he struggling, knowing that Gon... Gon had to know, didn't he? Gon had trained to open the gates. Gon came back for him. Gon had done so much... 

"You know what this is about, Gon. Think for a minute." Almost immediately he could see the gears turning. Gon was smart. Occasionally slower than some when situations didn't insist he be quick, but incredibly smart. 

Gon glanced to the floor. Apparently he'd known all a long and took very little time to respond. "You don't want people saying things about _us_." 

The words weren't harsh. Gon didn't spit the words. He wasn't angry. He just politely stated the facts. But it stung to hear the words out loud. Why was he letting it sting? Killua knew if people started to talk, it could put them both in danger, especially Gon. The Zoldyck family had a lot of enemies and while Killua could handle it easily, Gon might have faced more problems. 

Gon didn't care about the problems. Gon didn't let a lot of things bother him, and the last thing he was willing to let bother him was people trying to come between him and Killua. Killua's family had been terrifying but hadn't come close to the fear of losing his closest friend. 

Both of them were shocked at how firm Killua's reaction was.

"Gon, you don't know what love is."

The island boy scrunched his nose with a huff. What a _ridiculous_ accusation after everything they'd been through! It seemed just plain silly that Killua could think, even for a moment, that Gon didn't love him. Of course Gon loved him. Well, in honesty Gon shared his love among his friends and made a point of caring for everyone he met - everyone needed love and kindness, but Killua... Killua got more than everyone else. The love he had for Killua was different. He loved Killua in a way that transcended the concepts he'd had before, in a way that was hard to vocalize. Gon felt like Killua made him... more. Gon was more of himself when Killua was around him. Gon felt whole. 

"Of course I know what love is, Killua." Gon was gentle despite how firm the other boy was being. Killua had a tendency to react that way when he felt Gon was being foolish, which was frequent. "Am I doing it wrong?"

Killua was hesitant to answer. 

What kind of love had Gon known on his island? What kind of love had shaped Gon into someone so compassionate, so caring? 

Gon had seen the house on the mountain. Gon hadn't made it inside, but he saw what the butlers were put through alone, Gon _knew_ , well, sort of knew. Gon was _aware_ of the things that had happened, but...

Gon didn't really know. 

He thought of his brother Milluki, smoking with whips in hand. Each strike had been bothersome and forgettable, but Milluki struck with love for their mother. Killua had no softness for Milluki... but Milluki, even _Milluki,_ who had gone so long without leaving the estate, _knew_ that Gon was a pawn that could be used to manipulate Killua. Killua wasn't sure that there was any love between himself and brother he'd kill thoughtlessly to protect Gon.

Silva... Silva had always wanted Killua to succeed, much like his mother had. Silva had wanted him to be happy, to be his own person. Silva even wanted Killua to protect his friends... That might have been love. It was definitely a love closer to Gon's than to anyone else's, but it wasn't what Killua felt. It wasn't what Killua would have described love as. Grandfather let Killua get away with many things, but Killua couldn't think of many things his grandfather had done in his favor - at least not with him watching.

And there was Illumi. The thought of Illumi put a knot in Killua's stomach. Illumi had been following him through the exam because of Kikyo. Calling him a puppet, taunting him, telling him he _couldn't_ be friends with Gon. Gon, who sat so patiently while Killua thought and became lost in his own memories, Gon, who Killua would spill his family's blood for, Gon, the boy who wanted to protect so badly that he lashed out and killed someone during the Exam, _Gon,_ who against all odds opened the doors and came to his own home to retrieve him, not caring about the consequences.

Killua's thoughts finally fell on his mother. His overbearing, desperate mother - the mother that Illumi had provoked him to return to. Was her version of maternal nurturing normal? Was it loving? She always reacted so eagerly to Killua's coldness, always hopeful that he would become a fantastic assassin. Acid in apple pies might have made him stronger, might have built his brag-worthy resistance to poisons but would have likely killed a less conditioned child. It's not as though it _was_ her intention to kill him, was it? Would Kikyo have forgiven herself, if she'd killed her own weak child? Would his death, if Killua had been weaker, even have effected the family? His mother was unstable but caring, she _did_ love him. But keeping him shut away... That couldn't have been good for him, could it? Did she know what was good for Killua? Did _Killua_ know what was good for Killua? 

Was that love?

Was the over-protection, the... Killua never thought to describe it as such, but the _abuse_ , was the abuse love? Was it really abuse? They were all willing to use Gon against him, but it was because they loved him, wasn't it? There was no ill intentions behind his training, was there? No, no! The training was supposed to make him stronger, to shape him into serving the family business... The family business that he had no interest in, but the training and shaping was what led him to Gon. If he hadn't been trained by his parents, if he hadn't been shaped for the family business, he wouldn't have been able to pass the exam. He might not have been bold enough to take the exam without those strengths. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have met Gon at all.

Gon had noticed the silence. 

"Killua, are you okay?" Gon's voice was laced with concern, gentle and thoughtful as always. 

Killua hadn't noticed that he'd started crying. He didn't notice until Gon's hands, as gentle and soft as his voice, cupped either side of his face and gently wiped the few tears from his face.

"Killua." Gon said a bit more firmly, knowing it would call his friend back to reality. 

The Zoldyck flinched, unaware he'd let down his guard enough and been so distracted that Gon was able to approach _and_ touch him. Unsure of how else to respond, Killua put his hands over Gon's.

"Gon," Killua started softly, pale blue eyes searching the face of his friend for any sign of betrayed emotions. "Do you know what love is?"

Killua's hands gently closed around Gon. The more he thought about Gon, the more he realized that love was different than he thought. 

Gon's hands were always soft. Gon's hands were always gentle. Gon never hurt Killua if they weren't fighting. Granted, Killua would be unlikely to stop Gon, Killua wasn't raised to say 'no,' but Gon wasn't looking for much, nothing Killua couldn't handle. Thinking about Gon felt different than thinking about his family.

He wanted to protect Gon. He wanted to be around Gon. Killua wanted to see Gon happy, and Gon's small gesture of kindness showed that Gon likely wanted that too. 

"Yeah," Gon said softly, shifting a little closer to his friend, brushing their lips before gently kissing him. "I do..."


	2. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had anticipated this being much, much saucier. I'm not sure what happened.

Killua tensed despite the softness of Gon's lips and the authentic tenderness of his touch. The moment he felt it, Gon started to pull away, only stopped by Killua's tightened grip on his hands. The young assassin had never given much thought to how inappropriate his childhood must have looked at to an outside eye, but it didn't bother Gon enough to make him leave. Gon almost knew what he was dealing with and stayed anyway. Gon knew Killua had killed, killed over and over again, and was still letting him hold his hands and was brave enough to go so far as touch their lips together. But now Gon stood in front of him, politely and silently awaiting some kind of instruction. Killua didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," Gon said quietly. Even after all they'd been through, Gon still thought he had something to apologize for? "I should have asked before kissing you. It was kinda rude of me, wasn't it?"

"No." Killua said with a light chuckle. Of course Gon would think it was rude... Despite that Killua had felt like he needed it. "No, Gon, it's fine." 

Gon's smile cut a straight line through Killua's heart. It was the sort of smile he knew Gon wore when he turned away from him, the kind of smile that meant more than that Gon was happy. Killua wondered if Gon wore that smile a lot back on Whale Island or if it was reserved for him. He liked to think it was reserved for him.

"You're okay, Killua?" Gon's thumbs gently traced circles on his cheeks, Gon's eyes tracing the soft redness that had appeared under the assassin's eyes that went hand-in-hand with the red in them. The red only made Killua's eyes look paler. 

"I'm okay, Gon." Killua mumbled. He didn't remember being so soft. He didn't remember ever really crying in front of somebody before. What made this so different? Why now were all these emotions being brought forward, and _why_ did it have to happen in front of Gon? Sure, Killua would have rather let Gon see than Leorio or Kurapika, but it didn't mean that he wanted to be seen like this. 

Thinking back, Killua couldn't even remember the last time he cried.

But Gon was patient and kind enough to sit him back on the bed, seating himself a bit closer that required, making it clear that there was something else on his mind. Something that Killua knew went back to his soft olive hand resting on his chest. It didn't take long for Killua to overcome his emotions, pushing them back away as a good assassin (and certainly a good Hunter) was supposed to. 

With a sharp inhale and an unattractive sniffle, Killua stabilized enough that he knew he could talk with Gon.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Gon confessed. "And if you're okay, and if you want, I won't... do that again."

"No!" Killua felt his face burn when Gon looked at him in surprise - his eagerness betrayed him. "I-I mean, the kiss was good. The kiss was nice. I... wouldn't mind if you did it again."

"Do you want me to do it again?" Killua's chest tightened at how easily Gon asked. The question shouldn't have been so easy for the Hunter, it shouldn't have been something he was so comfortable doing! Gon should have been more ashamed of asking something like at such a young age, he shouldn't have been running around kissing boys... even if it was Killua he was kissing. "We don't have to kiss right now. We can kiss later if you want to, Killua."

Killua wanted to scream. "It's fine, Gon." He _ached_. Gon made this all seem like it was supposed to be so easy. It couldn't have possibly been so easy for Gon! He talked about these things so comfortably, like a grown up. 

Gon leaned forward, more off the bed then on it, tilting himself to look at Killua's face through his hair. Amber eyes made the Zoldyck weak and he'd never noticed before. Killua huffed, sitting back on his hands. 

"Did you want me to kiss you again, Killua?" Gon asked, more concerned than curious. "You can just ask me to, if you want. I don't mind, really! I like kissing you, Killua-"

" _Gon!_ " Killua forced his hand over the boy's mouth, effectively silencing him at least for the time being. "I'm not going to keep letting you act like this without some kind of rules! You can't go around talking like this and saying these sort of things, don't you understand that?!"

Gon shook his head, _No, of course he didn't understand,_ tucking his fingers under Killua's to remove his hand, which Killua began to regret when the flesh of his palm met with the unsavory moisture of Gon's tongue.

" _UGH!_ " Killua withdrew his hand with a disgusted groan, lips pursed in frustration. Gon was smiling though, as he always ways, and spoke before Killua could take another chance to berate him.

"I'm okay with rules, Killua."

The wave of emotions that rushed over the young assassin was an unusual one. Killua was endlessly thankful that Gon was willing to give whatever they were going to call this a chance, even after Killua's mild aggression earlier. However, taking the risk at all put a lot of tension on their relationship... would Gon even notice? What kind of danger would Gon be in if this continued?

Killua wanted to establish rules. Gon gave his consent to rules. He'd dug the hole a little too deep for him to completely back out now. But he knew if he had wanted to, Gon would have let him - no matter how badly Gon could have wanted this to happen.

"You're not allowed to talk about this."

"Okay." Gon said complacently, leaning back on his own hands next to Killua, patiently waiting for Killua's next rule.

"If I tell you to stop, you stop."

"Of course I would, Killua! You don't need to make that a rule!"

Killua flushed, scowling softly. Gon pouted, but sat back and continued to wait. Killua was thankful for Gon's cooperation.

"The moment that you're put in danger by... this, by people wanting to hurt you for being... _with_ me, this ends."

"But I don't care if-"

"Gon, I don't want you to be in danger. It's nonnegotiable."

Gon was hesitant but nodded. 

Killua took a moment, slowly going through the things he felt were important to discuss. Moments ago, it seemed as though he'd had a list miles long, had a thousand reasons to tell Gon no, but suddenly he was finding fewer and fewer reasons to stop this encounter from continuing. 

"Is that all?" Gon asked politely, eagerness slipping into his casual tone. 

Killua didn't want to say yes. Killua wanted this to happen but didn't want to say yes to Gon. In truth, this exchange was one of the only things Killua could think of that was more frustrating than regularly dealing with the brash Hunter.

"Yeah," his voice mouth answered before his mind could, less regard for the morally questionable action and more interest in another kiss from Gon.

Gon moved slowly, a history of tracking animals making controlling his motions easy. Killua was surprised at how fluid and precise Gon's movements were, each one carefully timed so that Killua could think ahead to how Gon was going to move and giving Killua enough time to react. It was a simple and considerate action. The assassin was surprised at the regard his partner held for him - even though Gon talked about it _constantly_.

Gon's hand felt like lead when it made contact with his chest again. The young Hunter was playing by the rules, he was going slow, just as he was asked, but his hand was so _heavy_. Killua knew it had nothing to do with Nen or anything like that but Gon's hand felt heavier than the doors, heavier than an anchor, heavy enough to gently push the assassin against the bed. Hand still on his chest, Gon was over him, eyes sparkling with the light of the city outside. Killua couldn't help but think that Hisoka would have killed for this view. 

Even with his strength Gon was gentle, focusing his weight into his knees and leaving Killua with the emotional weight of his friend straddling him, since Gon was careful not to initiate any unwelcome contact. Killua felt a smile playing on his lips; he really did have to admire how precise and careful Gon could be when he put his mind to it. It just showed him how much Gon cared about this. 

"Is this okay?" Gon asked, not for the first time. He spoke softly, his body language convincing Killua that he was ready to escort himself out of the room if it had been what the Zoldyck wanted.

"It's okay, Gon." Killua smirked, a familiar sight that he knew would relax Gon. "How about instead, I'll tell you if things stop being okay?"

Gon nodded firmly, face a little too serious for something so lighthearted. Despite the connotations that came with being held down, Killua felt surprisingly safe and comfortable. Gon really was trying to be careful and respect him. Even with Killua's invitation, the Hunter was nervous. 

"Go on, Gon."

The island boy looked up in a little surprise, as though he'd almost forgotten the two of them could speak, giving a kind smile to his friend. The hand he had on Killua's chest slowly moved lower, the hand beside his head shifting to hold most of Gon's weight. Killua shivered, heat spreading under his skin in the wake of Gon's hand. It was almost surprising, knowing how strong Gon was and how gentle he could still be. 

A soft yelp broke through Killua's cold exterior when Gon's hand connected with the flesh of his stomach - generally when people were making direct contact with his flesh, it wasn't a good thing. Immediately Gon withdrew, looking surprised when Killua hastily sat up and grabbed onto the Hunter's wrist. 

"It's fine, I told you." Killua's voice had been a little more forceful than he meant it to, but he couldn't help but notice the blush that blossomed on Gon's cheeks. Killua played with the idea that maybe Gon was the sort who didn't mind forceful. 

Gon gave another nod, waiting until Killua released his wrist to continue. Gon's hand returned to the cold flesh of his stomach, fingertips gently tracing the protrusion of his pelvis. Killua felt a shudder shoot through him, a soft groan following behind it. Gon's touch was light and cautious but eager. Killua was thankful that his friend was willing to take his time.

"You're strong, Killua." Gon quietly reminded him. Killua _knew_ he was strong, but felt stronger every time the words pressed between Gon's lips. Gon made him feel stronger. He felt a burn in his own cheeks when Gon smiled at him, eyes compassionate as ever. Gon really believed he was as strong as the lines in the sand - maybe Gon knew he was stronger than that too. 

Another shudder shot through the white haired boy when Gon's lips made contact - this time not with his lips, but with the crook of his neck. Instinctively he tensed; Gon was close to a dangerous part of the body, one that an assassin shouldn't leave open to easy contact. Gon felt the tension, started to lift his head again to check on Killua, but was forcibly pushed back down when Killua's hand took a firm hold on the back of his head, pushing him back down. Gon let out a soft surprised gasp, but made no objection and planted another gentle kiss against his friend's neck. 

Before Killua had the opportunity to rethink the decision, Gon's hands had found their way up his shirt, eliciting a groan the enticed a similar reaction out of Gon. The moment Killua heard _Gon_ , all thoughts of undoing their agreement were gone. He felt his entire body -surprisingly- relax under Gon's hands, physically offering him encouragement to keep going. 

Overstimulated and beyond the point of actually asking out loud, Killua couldn't help but wonder where Gon learned what he knew. Signs pointed to the island, which left Killua with more questions then he'd started with.

But Gon's hands and mouth kept Killua from vocalizing little more than disorganized grunts and groans, each sound it's own reward as Gon persisted. Gon lifted his head, brushing his lips against Killua's as he lifted his arms, pushing Killua's shirt higher towards his neck. Despite his mental conditioning, Killua lifted his arms over his head to give Gon the leverage he needed. The island boy stopped the shirt just beneath Killua's clavicle, having more than he needed exposed. While he would have normally opened his mouth to object and tell Gon to finish what he started, Killua was interested in whatever Gon could have been planning. 

Gon's own blush was a deeper sienna than Killua's pink, a color that the Zoldyck was surprised to find he coveted. Gon had, in truth, seen Killua without a shirt before, but the added intimacy of the moment they were sharing together was different. To know that his friend trusted him so fully, to let him sit with a knee on either side of him, hands over his head, no weapons in hand - it almost did more for Gon than seeing Killua with his shirt rolled up and his hands on either side of his head. 

_Almost_.

But it didn't stop him from staring. Drinking Killua in would be a memory that Gon would politely savor as long as his friend would let him. Killua's pale porcelain flesh was unobstructed by freckles or scars, which was unusual knowing his history. His nipples, perfectly framed by areolas that were a pink so pale that Gon barely noticed the difference between the primary color of Killua's skin, sat at almost the perfect distance - from Gon's thumb to his pink. 

One of the two olive hands returned to Killua's chest, tracing the small dip between his breasts, the small gap between the sides of his rib cage. Gon was as careful as ever, which they were both thankful for when Gon's mouth hovered for a moment before daringly closing his lips around one of Killua's nipples. Gon's own shoulders mimicked the motion in Killua's, shoulders hunching and nearly reaching his ears. Killua actually hunched forward, the hand in Gon's hair pulling to guide him, nearly pulling him off his chest before apparently deciding better. 

Killua gritted his teeth, committing most of his focus to fighting against his instincts to indulge in a moment that he was more than thankful to be a participant in. Gon was doing exactly as he was asked and Killua was quickly realizing that he was offering very little in return during the encounter. It didn't seem that it bothered Gon much, to be doing all the work. 

In fact, Gon was more than happy to do all the work, so long as they were able to continue the interaction. Every last gasp and moan and purr that slipped from between Killua's lips became Gon's favorite sound until he heard the next one. His right hand, easily able to move around Killua's back now that he had sat forward, delicately traced the dips and grooves down Killua's back where his skin hugged his spine. Gon was always worried by being able to see Killua's spine, but honestly _loved_ seeing it. Killua's body responded with another grunt and shudder combination when Gon's finger traced his vertebrae in one single swipe. Gently lifting his lips, he was forced to acknowledge the staggering pants that had replaced most of Killua's sounds.

"Still okay?" Gon asked gently, finger smoothly shifting between bones. Killua was shocked to find that it was easier to nod than to verbally answer but Gon paid it no attention - it simply meant he was doing a good job. 

"Good!" Gon beamed enthusiastically. Killua's scowl implied less enthusiasm, but was realistically meant as a response for Gon to effortlessly continue after this sort of contact. What exactly _did_ Gon learn on that island?

He loosened his grip on the black hair, surprised to find that something in his chest.... ached? when he caught the glimpse of deep green highlights as Gon's hair shifted downward. Gon wasn't dissuaded by the absence of Killua's hands, waiting patiently until the assassin laid down again, signifying that he was comfortable enough to continue. Gon ran his hand over the back of his lips, the soft sheen of moisture quickly lost. Had Killua noticed it a few seconds earlier, he would have likely mourned it. 

"If I'm going too fast, I can slow down." Gon said politely. Killua felt the burn in his cheeks heighten. Gon was keeping his cool and Killua was quickly approaching a hot sweat and a loss of speech. The Hunter waited while his friend evened his breathing, though his voice still shook and words were more of stressed exhales than they were articulated. 

"I'll tell you, Gon." Killua managed. The smile that danced on Gon's lips was a bit teasing but the assassin found that he had very little energy to scold him for it, opting to drop his head back onto the pillow in lieu of speaking.

Gon nodded politely, figuring that if there was a good time for Killua to say that, it was definitely now. 

While Gon wasn't one to brag, or talk much about his time on Whale Island, Gon had a fair bit of experience in this department. Enough experience that undoing the button and zipper on Killua's pants felt like a mechanical reflex. Gon hadn't _meant_ to keep it from Killua but knew he would have been concerned and made a big deal out of what was realistically nothing! Everyone knew each other on the island, so relationships were difficult, so when tourists came to call looking for company, it was hard not to take advantage of their timing. 

Realistically, Killua was doing a bit of the same thing; taking advantage of good timing and a need to feel emotionally satisfied. 

Thankfully, Gon was satisfying the exact want Killua had - to not think about his family for a while. When all your actions and decisions are driven by a group of people, it's hard to push them out of your mind. Amazing, Gon was pushing them _way_ back.

Killua came back to reality, shell-shocked, when he felt Gon's hot breath against the skin of his pelvis. His fingertips had been one thing, but the heat of his mouth was something entirely different. Killua had been lost in trying to level out his breathing and hadn't even heard Gon undoing his pants, let alone felt it. 

There was, however, no denying that he felt Gon's lips pressed to his skin and doing a very poor job of suppressing a moan. 

The Zoldyck _would_ have said he'd never felt his body shake with such intensity, but it would have been a lie. It was never a stretch to orgasm when taking a life, even when Killua wasn't much for killing and found much easier and cleaner ways of getting off, but _this_ was entirely different, regardless of how similar his body made it feel. 

He opened his mouth to apologize, since Gon was far from clear of mess and had fluids on both his chin and hands given his angle, but the Hunter boy pressed a finger to his mouth before he could object. Killua's elbows were just strong enough to support him - it was going to take more than one orgasm before he couldn't hold himself up, he knew that - but it was easier to just lie down than the bother arguing with Gon. 

Gon had few qualms about the situation, making some mewl of a positive comment about how Killua was doing well or something to that effect, but beyond the tone of voice it just sounded like white noise to the young assassin. 

It appeared that Gon's unabashed optimism was present even in the bedroom. 

Similar mewls were heard from Killua as Gon's lips pressed soft kisses from one pelvic protrusion to the other, chuckling lightly when Killua arched his hips into the contact. Gon had always had a bit of confidence in his performance, but this was something different entirely. 

His warm olive hands gently pressed Killua's hips down, a soft moan slipping through his own lips when Killua's hands took root in his hair again. Killua, seeing an advantage, gave a sharp tug on the deep pine locks, feeling heat shoot through him when Gon tossed his head back, lips parted from his soft cry. Killua's grip tightened, teeth dragging over his lower lip. 

Seeing the tables turned, and Gon's mouth hanging open ever-so-slightly as he panted, Killua felt energy rushing through him, sitting up to press his lips to Gon's. Killua was surprised to watch Gon's body language change when he started leading the encounter, blush rushing from his cheeks into his ears and down his neck. 

Killua was surprised at how suddenly aware he was of his body, nearly nude pressed against his friend, hovering close enough that their noses touched when their lips broke apart. His entire body felt numb, but a different kind of numb than he'd known before. Usually it was from blood loss, or repeatedly induced trauma, and it was cold. This wasn't cold, this was _hot_. Killua's body felt more like a flesh drape over a fiery frame, all anchored by what was a very, very obvious erection. 

Gon, still fully dressed minus a pair of clunky green boots, didn't appear to be fairing much better beneath his own clothes - the outline of an erection equally obvious against the emerald shorts that where one of the only barriers between the two boys. 

"Gon." Killua managed to sound pretty assertive despite the swimming in his head. He received a light groan in response. An iconic cat-like grin spread across the little assassin's face. If Gon was easily controlled by a tug on his hair and a few pretty words... No, that's not what this was supposed to be about. Not this time around.

"Oh!" Gon seemed to very quickly realize that a fraction of his increasing body heat might have been due to the fact that he was fully clothed which led to him hastily starting to remove his own clothes.

"Don't rush." The words were firm, a command more than a request, and Gon responded appropriately. 

It was hard not to notice how strong Gon had gotten over the few months since the exam. His training to open the door had paid off, biceps flexing when Gon pulled his tank top over his head. Gon had no verbal objections to letting Killua drink in the view, eyes slowly tracing each dimple and dip in his flesh from the sharp dip from his neck to shoulders to the subtle berth of his pectorals. Killua didn't have many memories of looking at other boys in the way he looked at Gon - then again, there were a lot of things about Gon that were different than other boys. Foremost that Killua and Gon were friends. 

Gon shifted his weight to properly kneel, starting to undo his own pants before Killua's hands stopped him. In stopping Gon, Killua repaid the favor Gon had paid him and undid his pants for him, admittedly more clumsy despite the cold facade that Killua typically put forth. 

With a light gasp, Gon's own erection sprung forth, framed by tan lines that game from wearing shorts while living an island life. Killua let one of his fingers stray, tracing the line just beneath his naval, smile widening at the shudder he was given in exchange. So much power at his fingertips, the same power he knew he had given Gon, and Gon had possessed the restraint to be slow and thoughtful - Gon's fortitude was impressive. 

But Killua was someone who'd had fewer reasons to resist temptation.

Shockingly confident despite his nerves and still-weak legs, Killua found himself coiling his fingers around Gon, one swift stroke more than enough to push Gon over the edge.

A combination of stewing anticipation and eagerness left Gon stewing in his own orgasm, both hands firmly clasped over his mouth in a display that burned itself so vividly into Killua's mind that he would never be able to forget it - not if he tried. 

Gon's shoulders had hunched forward, the boy truly looking his age since their confrontation began. His eyes were lidded, face burning a deep vermilion and ears redder than Killua could have expected. The young Hunter's hands looked ghostly and pale against the fluorescent glow of his blush, a slight shake in his hunched shoulders from the unforeseen orgasm. Killua felt a twinge of guilt for taking Gon off guard in such a way, but the results were overwhelmingly positive. 

"Okay?" His own voice sounded alien when Killua spoke, heavy with passion and lust that he hadn't thought possible, or at least probable from himself. 

Gon nodded in response, hands not leaving their perch. 

Killua couldn't help but think about how Hisoka would have _killed_ for this view. 

The assassin would have given Gon the chance to recover but found that he was feeling strangely impulsive - impulsive enough that he lifted his own soiled hand to his mouth, licking the pale white fluid from his fingers.

If Gon's reaction had been delicious before, this was _decadent_. While Gon had anticipated that Killua would get handsy, he clearly hadn't accounted for his impulses. Gon was redder than the decals on his Hunter's License, eyes lidded.

"K... Killua..." Gon smiled, the sparkle showing in his eyes and the dimples decorated his cheeks, obvious regardless of the fact that Killua couldn't see his friend's mouth. "H... How can you do such embarrassing things?"

Killua was shocked to hear his own words mirrored by Gon, during such intimacy no less. He knew he was just teasing him, just being playful... But it did touch Killua that Gon remembered something he said. 

And he thought about the way Gon felt.

"It's not embarrassing to do it for you, Gon." Gon's eyes widened, hands moving from his mouth as he reached forward, one hand gently caressing the back of Killua's neck as he pulled him forward into a light kiss. 

Killua found his own hands wrapping around Gon's waist, pulling him against the other with a light gasp. The friction of flesh on flesh sent shivers through both boys, the roll of their hips coming like instinct when they touched.

A second round of orgasms, more easily earned than the first, swept over the boys and left them pressed so firmly together that cum nearly held them together like glue. Gon was more passionate and involved than Killua, a novice by comparison, persistently punctuating their movement with kisses when Killua was content with groans. 

"K... Killua..." Gon managed, voice hoarse, exhausted by the sounds he'd be absentmindedly making. "I.... I don't have... I don't have any lube.."

Killua, knowing _enough_ to know it was necessary, pressed his forehead to Gon's, twisting his arms around Gon, gently tugging at the hair at the back of his neck, eliciting another weak groan.

"It's fine, Gon...." He mumbled, leaning forward and resting his forehead against his new found lover's shoulder. This had been more than enough, more than Killua could have imagined having, more than Killua would have thought Gon would have given him. Gon's body was warm to the touch, a comfort he'd grown sort of used to but that now held a new context. A soft shiver moved through him when Gon's on hand traveled up his spine once more, gently tracing circles between his shoulder blades.

"I know what love is, Gon."


End file.
